i would punch a child for taco bell
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
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