you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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