Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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