I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
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