No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
