I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
