stop calling my apartment porn island.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
