Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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