watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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