doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
