At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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