im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
