i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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