so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
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May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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