We named our party play list daddy issues
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
