so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
