you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
