Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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