Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
This show inspires me to have sex in space
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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