She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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