you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
