Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
