I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
