So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
They have beer where we have blood.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
