He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
