Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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