Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Randomize
