Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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