I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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