even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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