WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
