you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
