ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
