If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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