I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
