I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
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we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
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I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize