I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
