mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
