Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
