He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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