I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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