I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
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My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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