Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
