You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
