how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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