FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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