I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
