Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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