i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
