The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
