I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
