Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
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Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
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Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
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