i will never coherently bang her
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize