Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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