Moan for me like Helen Keller
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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